God Help Me, Part 3
by Mertz
Summary: A drunken trip down memory lane for Keith and Lance... Rated M for strong language.


This story goes out to my dear birthday friends, CMS, and the double trouble twins, Harmony and Melody. Happy Birthday Girls!

Many thanks to Harm for throwing out an idea or two that got my brain kick started so I could write this in time for CMS's b-day. Thanks to Wade Wells and Xia Cheyenne for looking it over for errors...hopefully we didn't miss any.

I make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters.

Enjoy and until next time...

Mertz

* * *

God Help Me, Part 3:

Two months later:

It is the day before the marriage of Princess Allura to the man of her dreams, Commander Keith Kogane. Walking down a hallway, Lance smiles to himself as he remembers how Keith and Allura managed to get together before entering Keith's office.

The Commander glances up, an irritated look on his face as his best friend enters, "Damn it Lance…I need to get this work done before tonight's dinner and you are the fifth person who has bothered me in the last hour. Get out!"

Ignoring him, Lance saunters around the office before dropping into the chair in front of the desk, "Just wanted to go over anything needed of me so you won't have to stress out during the wedding tomorrow or the two days you and Allura will be gone on your honeymoon."

Snorting, Keith retorts, "I'd 'stress out' a whole lot less if people would leave me the hell alone."

A broad smile crosses Lance's face as he inquires, "Nanny driving you crazy?"

An even louder snort escapes Keith as he replies, "I can't wait for all of this to be done…"

Lance's eyes flash with humor as he states, "Just remember…I still owe you one."

"For what?" Keith demands as he glares at his friend.

"For what?" Lance repeats sarcastically then leans forward, "For laughing your ass off instead of helping me get away from Nanny when she got drunk on Allura's birthday."

A deep chuckle escapes Keith as he remembers Nanny planting a kiss on Lance as well as patting his butt. "You deserved that! After all, you're the reason she got drunk!"

"No one deserves to be kissed by Nanny…" Lance remarks as he crosses his arms and sits back in the chair. "A friend would have helped me out."

"In case you don't remember _my friend_…" Keith starts in a sarcastic tone of his own, "I was busy trying to keep Allura's hands off of my ass."

It's Lance's turn to snort loudly as he retorts, "Don't pretend you didn't enjoy that! You're marrying the woman for God's sake!"

Keith rolls his eyes then replies, "Get the hell out of here would you? I've only got an hour to get everything done before the Groom's Dinner."

Rising, Lance heads for the door then yells back, "If you find you need help with something…bellow." At Keith's absent-minded nod, Lance leaves the room.

* * *

Looking around the table at the end at the Groom's Dinner two hours later, Lance watches Keith lean over to a smiling Allura and kiss her softly. His eyes drift over the rest of the gathering, watching Hunk and Pidge talking, the big man laughing jovially at whatever Pidge had just said. Moving along, he watches Romelle gesture to the engaged couple next to her as she talks to Sven. Toward the end of the table sits Coran and Nanny, speaking quietly as the rest of the room enjoys the dinner.

Picking up his wine glass, Lance stands up and uses his spoon against it to gain everyone's attention. With the expectant faces looking at him, he smiles deeply before announcing, "As Keith's best friend and best man, it falls to me make the speech."

As the others applaud, Keith's voice is low as he asks, "Lance…what are you up to?"

A devilish smile crosses Lance's face as he tries to look as innocent as possible, "Just telling a tale to the gathering so Allura knows what she's getting into before she marries you."

Keith starts to rise from his seat, but stops when Allura puts a hand on his arm. Her eyes shine with humor as she states, "Let him tell it…what is the worst possible thing he can tell me?"

Dreading the answer, Keith turns his gaze back to his friend. Lance's smile grows as he starts, "As most of you know, Keith and I were roommates before we became friends, but what most of you don't know is how we met to begin with."

At Keith's loud groan, Lance laughs as he relates, "I had met Sven a month before at the Academy and we made an outrageous bet on which team was going to win the Academy football game." Lance sighs regrettably, "The bastard won…"

At this, Sven's laughter can be heard throughout the dining room. Lance glares at him briefly then continues, "So I owed him $1000…a $1000 I didn't have. Knowing this, the bastard gave me an ultimatum. Either find a way to come up with the money, or dress in drag for the Annual Academy Officer's Costume Party that night. This party has been a tradition since the Academy was formed. The men would dress in their uniforms, the women in costumes. So I convinced my girlfriend to lend me her costume…"

"_Now remember…you aren't allowed to talk. I'll be listening in with my ear piece, if you say one word to anyone to let them know you are a man, the deal is off and you have to pay me the $1000." Sven said as he looked Lance over._

_Lance grimaced but didn't reply as his girlfriend finished putting fake eyelashes on him then applied makeup. Once the lipstick was on and she used a pencil to put a black circular mark near his upper lip, Anne stepped back to admire her handiwork, "I think you will look better as Queen Elizabeth than I would…" She laughed loudly as Lance rolled his eyes._

_Stepping in front of a mirror, he looked himself over, moving his hands to his fake chest to center it more then pulling the bum roll into place around his hips. Anne held out the sapphire Elizabethan dress for him to pull over his head. Once it was in place, she stepped behind him to zip it up and buttoned the top. Finally, she grabbed the waiting auburn colored wig with the fat, sausage ringlets along the side, helped him put it on, and pinned it into place._

_Once everything was in place, Anne handed him his French fan then stepped back. Sven moved around him, an evil laugh escaping him as he stated, "You look pretty good as a woman…I might even be tempted to hit on you."_

_A loud snort escaped Lance as he replied, "Ok, if I get an Admiral to hit on me, the $1000 is paid in full."_

_Shaking his head, Sven retorted, "Hell no…I know you already replaced the non-alcoholic punch they were going to serve with your Peruvian Punch. Since half the officers are going to be drunk before 10pm, you will have to work a bit harder than that. An Admiral earns you $500, a Rear-Admiral, $300, a Commander $250, a Lieutenant $100 and the rest of the peons $50…and you only have till midnight."_

Allura interrupts the story, "You were dressed as a woman!" She chuckles loudly before looking over at Sven, "Whatever gave you the idea to see if Lance could get hit on by officers?"

Laughing, Sven replies, "Well, Lance always was this arrogant little prick who thought he was the hottest thing out there… I only wanted him to prove it." Romelle slaps his arm, "Sven! I never knew you could be so evil." A devilish laugh escapes him as he grabs her and rubs his mouth against the sensitive skin near her ear, "If we leave before the story is done, I'll show you how evil I can be…"

The loud sound of a clearing throat brings the attention back to Lance as he states, "Do you mind? Trying to tell a story here. So, as I was heading for the door…"

"_Remember Lance, my roommate will be there with her new boyfriend and has the same costume since we were going to go together originally. Don't let her get too close to you or she will give you away." Anne told him as he followed Sven to the door._

_Looking back at her, Lance asked curiously, "Who's her new boyfriend?"_

_Anne rolled her eyes before she replied, "I don't remember his name, but Bev told me that he's transferring into our groups to be closer to her."_

_A speculative look entered Lance's eyes as he wondered, "Maybe that's the guy who is going to room with Darryl Stoker…"_

_Sven stopped near the door as he inquired, "Who is your new roommate then?"_

"_Someone named Hunk Garrett…" Lance replied off handedly, "He will be at the party tonight and moves in tomorrow."_

_Shrugging, Sven told him, "Well, let's get going… I can't wait to see who will fall for this." With a grimace on his face, Lance followed him out of the room._

"Hold it…Hunk was supposed to be your roommate?" Allura asks, her eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

"Originally, yes…" Lance replies then adds, "Quit interrupting!" Meeting Keith's irritated look, he continues, "So I arrived at the party and parted ways with Sven…"

_Two hours into the party, Lance moved toward Admiral Graham, keeping the fan fluttering in front of his face to help disguise himself. The older gentleman took a sip from his cup of punch as he spotted the 'young woman', "Hello…"_

_Lance nodded his head at him, having looked him over carefully, he noted the Admiral's flushed cheeks and reddened eyes. Lance's eyes drifted past the admiral to the punch bowl on the table behind him. Having caught his line of sight, Admiral Graham asked, "Care for a cup of punch?" At Lance's nod, the older man set his cup down to pour another one. He handed it to Lance then inquired, "Have you been at the Academy long?"_

_Shaking his head in reply, Lance used his fan to playfully tap the older man on the shoulder while smiling at him. Admiral Graham chuckled deeply before he asked, "A dance then fair maiden?"_

_Having managed a nod, Lance felt victorious as the Admiral led him out onto the dance floor. He kept his body close to the Admiral's, his face turned slightly away as they danced. Lance managed a girlish giggle or two to the questions of the Admiral and when the dance ended, he quickly pulled away and walked across the dance floor._

_Having found Sven leaning against a pillar flirting with one of the ladies dressed up as Cinderella, Lance hit him on the shoulder hard with his fan. Cinderella moved away quickly and Sven turned toward him with an angry look on his face, "What the hell did you do that for?"_

"_You better have paid attention to me getting a dance out of Admiral Graham!"_

_Sven snorted, his face still showing his displeasure at being interrupted, "I saw…so you still owe $500 and you have thirty minutes left."_

_After he rolled his eyes in answer, Lance started back across the dance floor. He spotted Bev, Anne's roommate coming his way, so Lance turned the other way across the floor instead. Suddenly, he was grabbed from behind and a slurring male voice whispered in his ear, "Got you…"_

_Lance stiffened when he felt an arm going around his stomach and the press of a man's chest against his back. The man behind him forced Lance into the middle of the dance floor, guiding him around the floor as the man moved to the music._

_The occasional feel of the man's arousal against his backside had Lance squirming and trying to free himself. Only the thought having to come up with $500 to cover the rest of the bet kept Lance from physically forcing the man to release him and punching him in the jaw._

_The deep voice laughed in Lance's ear as he used his fan to hit the man behind him in the hands. The laughter is replaced by that slurred voice again as the man drunkenly whispered to him while his hand drifted down to caress Lance's backside, "You made…promise… Making you…keep it Beverly."_

_As the song came to a finish, the man swung him out away from him and pulled him back face first, having planted his lips against Lance's as he stopped in front of him. Suddenly the man pulled back, "WHAT THE FUCK?!"_

_Lance fell backward onto the floor a moment later as the man's fisted punch sent him sailing. Sitting up, Lance puts a hand to his eye before he noticed his wig on the floor beside him. The drunken man stood over him as he yelled, "You son of a bitch!"_

Allura's laughter stops Lance's tale as she wipes the tears out of her eyes while trying to breathe, "He actually kissed you?!" At Lance's nod, she bursts into laughter once more, falling back against Keith as she continues to laugh.

Rolling his eyes, Lance tells her, "I couldn't say anything…Sven was listening in and I would have lost that bet."

Romelle wipes the tears of laughter out of her eyes as well before asking, "What happened?"

"Oh…this is the really shitty part. Not only did the entire damn ballroom turn to pay attention to the debacle, but Admiral Graham came over to stand beside the officer that kissed me, stopping him from hitting me again. Once he noticed who I was and the fact that he had danced with me only a few minutes earlier, let's just say I was escorted out by the MPs and Admiral Graham had me placed in academic probation."

As the laughter continues, Allura finally asks, "Who was the man that kissed you?"

Hearing a deep tormented sigh, Allura hears the familiar voice next to her ,"That would have been me…"

The princess stops laughing as she turns to look horror struck at her fiancé. Keith arches an eyebrow at her as he informs her, "I was drunk Allura…on Lance's damned Peruvian Punch. I didn't even know what hit me. When I forced him onto the dance floor, I thought it was my girlfriend Beverly since they were wearing the exact same outfit."

As laughter erupts in the room again, Keith turns his gaze to glare at his best friend, "Thanks for the trip down memory lane…and for reminding me why I don't drink much anymore."

Lance does a little bow then stands up straight as Romelle asks, "So did you have to pay the other $500?" Before Lance can answer, Sven speaks up, his voice full of laughter, "No. After that performance, I decided he had suffered enough. That and I spent the rest of the night laughing at the look I saw on Admiral Graham's face when he realized he had danced with a man."

As Lance rolls his eyes at Sven, Allura breaks in to ask, "How did you and Keith end up roommates?"

"Oh that…well, the next day…"

_Lance laid on his bed, holding an ice bag to his black, and swollen shut, eye. The knock at the door has him rising and he pulled the door open, "Yeah…" He dropped the ice bag on the floor as Admiral Graham stood in front of him with the man from the night before._

_He stepped back into the room as both men entered. The other man with the admiral glared at him, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. Dragging his gaze back to the admiral, Lance listened in amazement as he was told, "There have been a change in plans…Hunk Garrett is going to be rooming with Darryl Stoker. That leaves you without a roommate and Lieutenant Kogane without a room."_

_The older man's eyes tunneled into Lance as he informed him, "So I decided to put you two together. If Lieutenant Kogane can't whip your insolent ass into shape…no one will." He nodded at Keith as he walked past him and out of the room._

_The two men stood silently and stared at each other for a moment before Lance held out his hand, "Since we were never formally introduced, I'm Lance McClain…the guy whose ass you grabbed last night before you kissed me."_

_Keith rolled his eyes before he replied, "God fucking help me…" _


End file.
